Little boy to mother: Mom, have you ever heard of Anne Frank?
(silence)
Little boy: You know, she was this holocaust victim who lived in an attic and wrote this diary?
(pause)
Mother: I mean, I’ve read about the holocaust, but I don’t know any specific authors.
Entries Tagged as 'Quote'
That’s Just Sad
July 15th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
Tags: wtf
Papa Speaks the Truth
July 9th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
— Ernest Hemingway
Tags: quotes
I thought it meant ‘happy’…
July 3rd, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
Tyson Homosexual easily won his semifinal for the 100 meters at the U.S. Olympic track and field trials and seemed to save something for the final later Sunday.
They have a script that replaces offending language automatically. Oops, time for a tweak.
How Life Should Be
June 24th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating …and you finish off as an orgasm.
Rest in peace George. You were one brilliant fuck.
Tags: George Carlin
There’s a Limit to Dares…
June 20th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
As summer vacation begins, 17 girls at Gloucester High School are expecting babies…
— Time
Nice parents…
Tags: wtf
Woman sat dead in front of TV for 42 years
June 18th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
The remains of a woman have been found sitting in front of her TV – 42 years after she was reported missing.
Hedviga Golik, who was born in 1924, had apparently made herself a cup of tea before sitting in her favourite armchair in front of her black and white television…
Hmmm, thinking that missing persons in Croatia isn’t the highest priority since they never bothered to look in her fucking apartment!
Tags: wtf
Excuses
June 18th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
Track star: Well, yeah, I’ve always hated that official, but I sure didn’t mean for my javelin to go right through his spleen like that!
Announcer: But you’re a sprinter.
Tags: funny
Decisions, decisions…
June 15th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
If it had to be one or the other, I’m glad it’s Richard Dawkins who joined Twitter and Tim Russert who dropped dead.
Walk the Talk
June 12th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
I was looking for information on a SEO company that was recommended to me but I couldn’t find them on Google.
— Me
Tags: funny
Best Book Review EVER!
June 12th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
“The lamp’s glow was very weak compared to the blue glow emancipating from the basement.”
Tags: funny
Words to Live By
June 5th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
No matter how delicately one approaches the task, there is no telling off a Frenchwoman.
Tags: funny
Acrobat
May 30th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
Editing text in Adobe Acrobat Professional is like fucking in glass sheets.
SO true!
What’s More Than a Friend?
May 26th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
Brunette: I really need to have sex.
Blonde: Well you better do it soon because you’re getting your period on Wednesday.
[long pause.]
Brunette: We spend too much time together.
Tags: funny
Hook ‘em When Their Young
May 25th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
[Mother and four-year-old boy walking past liquor store]
Mom: So we have to go to Duane Reade and… Oooh! Let’s get some wine.
Boy: Yeah!
Tags: funny
It’ll Make Sense When You’re Older
May 24th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
Little boy: …I met another girl at school who is Mexican!
Mother: Colombian! We’re Colombian!
Tags: funny
At Least He’s Honest
May 24th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
Tourist husband with camera: We could ask him. [Points to black man.]
Tourist wife: No, I don’t think thats a good idea.
Black man: Listen to your woman, I woulda taken that shit and run!
Tags: funny
See You at Thanksgiving?
May 22nd, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
Chick #1: You were way too hard on my dad back there.
Chick #2: I know, I’m sorry… I just get so heated.
Chick #1: Still, “homophobic asshole” is a little harsh, don’t you think?
Tags: funny
Must’ve Failed Catechism
May 17th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
Mom, reading about unicorns to ten-year-old son: The unicorn was a symbol of Christ, its head in the virgin Mary’s lap…
Son: Wait, wait, wait! Mary was a virgin?!
— Overheard in New York at Museum of Natural History, Mythic Creatures Exhibit
Tags: funny
Try ‘Member’
May 14th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
Guy: So I tried to set my password to “Penis”.
Girl: [...]
Guy: It said my password wasn’t long enough.
LOL! Now that’s funny.
Tags: funny
Stay in Skool 3
May 14th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
Brooklyn family court employee: What’s your daughter’s name?
Mother: Chicago.
Brooklyn family court employee: Like the state?
Mother: Yes.
Tags: funny
OJ with that?
May 12th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
Q: How much is a sandwich at USC?
A: Free, but mayo is $30,000 extra
Tags: funny
Going on 48
May 8th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
Eight-old-girl: What is aged cheese?
Dad: You age cheese to make it better.
Eight-old-girl: You do?
Dad: Like whiskey.
Eight-old-girl: Ahhhh, I see.
He’s Not the Demographic
May 1st, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
Kid to friends: I swear I know that dude. [To dude.] Hey, you’re the weather man!
Anderson Cooper, offended: No!
Tags: funny
You could use Lesbanians…
April 30th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
A Greek court has been asked to draw the line between the natives of the Aegean Sea island of Lesbos and the world’s gay women.
Three islanders from Lesbos — home of the ancient poet Sappho, who praised love between women — have taken a gay rights group to court for using the word lesbian in its name.
One of the plaintiffs said Wednesday that the name of the association, Homosexual and Lesbian Community of Greece, “insults the identity” of the people of Lesbos, who are also known as Lesbians.
“My sister can’t say she is a Lesbian,” said Dimitris Lambrou. “Our geographical designation has been usurped by certain ladies who have no connection whatsoever with Lesbos,” he said.
The Homosexual and Lesbian Community of Greece could not be reached for comment.
Do you have anything in Red?
April 30th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
A 2 million yuan ($286,000) sculpture in northeastern China that took two years to build was dismantled days before its unveiling because a senior government official disliked the color, local media said on Tuesday.
— Reuters
Way to support the Arts! Can’t wait to see how big of a disaster the Olympics are going to be. They probably dipped real people in Gold, Silver and Bronze to make the medals…
Tags: wtf
You mean Greek?
April 30th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
Girl #1: What kind of food do you want?
Girl #2: I don’t know, I can do anything so you can pick.
Girl #1: Ohhh… Let’s get Indian! I really want Indian.
Girl #2: Can’t do Indian. It reminds me of anal sex.
Lemme Guess…Divorce?
April 27th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
Little girl: Daddy, daddy, will you buy me some Easter candy?
Father: No, sweetheart. We don’t celebrate Easter–we’re Jewish.
Little girl: But mommy buys me Easter candy!
Father: It’s not my fault your mother has abandoned her principles.
Tags: funny
RIP Professor Lorenz
April 20th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
Edward Lorenz, Father of Chaos Theory, Dies at 90
I wouldn’t have graduated without him. I wrote a 70+ page thesis on horseshoe mappings in the Lorenz Differential for my Chaos Theory class in college.
Tags: Obituary
The Knuckleball
April 19th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
Throwing a knuckleball for a strike is like throwing a butterfly with hiccups across the street into your neighbor’s mailbox.
— Willie Stargell
That pretty much sums it up…
Tags: quotes
Was hast du gesagt?
April 16th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
German schoolboy, 13, corrects NASA’s asteroid figures
— AFP
First they piledrive the Mars Climate Orbiter into the planet because they forget that miles and kilometers aren’t equal and now they forget to carry the one…
Way to ruin it Dad…
April 16th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
Seven-year-old girl: Daddy! You wanna hear a secret?!
Dad: Sure, but remember honey: I’m a social worker so if this is a secret about you hurting yourself or others I have to report it.
Seven-year-old girl: … Never mind.
Tags: funny
I love New York
April 11th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
Environmentalist with clipboard: Excuse me, do you have a minute to help save the environment?
Woman in suit: I’m sorry, I already saved the children this morning and then told the Democratic Party to go fuck themselves three blocks ago, so no, I don’t have time to save the environment today. Maybe tomorrow, hippie.
General Patton
April 9th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
“A good plan, violently executed now, is better than a perfect plan next week.”
“Don’t tell people how to do things, tell them what to do and let them surprise you with their results.”
“If you tell people where to go, but not how to get there, you’ll be amazed at the results.”
“Battle is an orgy of disorder.”
“Courage is fear holding on a minute longer.”
“I don’t measure a man’s success by how high he climbs but how high he bounces when he hits bottom.”
“If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn’t thinking.”
“Nobody ever defended anything successfully, there is only attack and attack and attack some more.”
“Prepare for the unknown by studying how others in the past have coped with the unforeseeable and the unpredictable.”
“Take calculated risks. That is quite different from being rash.”
“The time to take counsel of your fears is before you make an important battle decision. That’s the time to listen to every fear you can imagine! When you have collected all the facts and fears and made your decision, turn off all your fears and go ahead!”
“Watch what people are cynical about, and one can often discover what they lack.”
— General George S. Patton
Tags: quotes
Learn that from Nickelodeon?
April 8th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
Mother, to four-year-old boy who has just slapped a little girl: Why did you do that?! Give me a reason right now. I demand a reason, now!
Four-year-old boy: I have to control her.
Tags: funny
Simple Enough…
April 7th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
This life is fucking important so do not waste yours on bullshit.
Tags: quotes
Stay in Skool 2
April 5th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
Girl #1: What’s the plural of “panini”?
Girl #2: It’s just “panini” … Like goose.
That’s what you get for being clever…
April 2nd, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
Angry woman to friend: I have a contention with the way people pronounce my daughter’s name. I did not name by daughter ‘Lady Nasty’! I named my baby girl ‘La Dynasty.’
DirecTV
March 29th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
Ronald Long of Deepwater, MO, was trying to install a satellite dish in his bedroom. He was having trouble putting the necessary hole in the wall and, thinking himself quite clever, decided to use his gun to get the job done quickly. Unfortunately, his wife was outside and caught the bullet in the chest. She was rushed to the hospital but was declared dead on arrival. On the upside, Ronald now has DirecTV. Silver linings, people.
Good Idea…Ouch
March 21st, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
40-something man to co-workers at the bar watching the tourney at lunch: “Did you hear what Bob in Accounting did? He scheduled his vasectomy today so he could get the next two days off to watch the NCAA tourney! Wow. Guess who won’t be in next year!”
— Overheard by Jenn at Champps
Tags: funny
Everyone’s a Critic
March 13th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
The orange/red & blue in the logo don’t work great either – the human eye cannot receive red & blue wavelengths simultaneously, so reds & blues are not good combos; I’m horrible with colors and can’t suggest what would be good, but blues/blacks seem to work well for technology…
— A moron that shall remain nameless
An excerpt from an actual email from a company president to a graphic artist.
Tags: wtf
Woman ‘accidentally’ craps out her baby
March 1st, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
Pregnant woman uses train toilet, baby slips out
— Reuters
Seriously? Why does this shit (no pun intended) always seem to happen in India?
Tags: wtf
Rasicm?
February 20th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
Guy #1: That fucking redhead bitch. I told you, man — those redheads are all the same.
Guy #2: Whoa, dude, I know you’re upset, but racism is not cool.
Overheard in New York
January 30th, 2008 · No Comments · Quote
Girl #1: If I were pregnant, when would I start throwing up? I mean, like, where can I get an abortion? Will they tell my parents?
Girl #2: I don’t know. Why does everyone always ask me?
Boy: ‘Cause you’re a whore.
Tags: funny
Isn’t more than 49 50?
January 15th, 2008 · 1 Comment · Quote
Attorneys General from across the country gathered in New York today to announce a new agreement between MySpace and more than 49 states…
— AP
Tags: wtf
Overheard in New York
December 30th, 2007 · No Comments · Quote
Chick: I don’t know — all the worry about oil prices and gas… [Dude throws sideways glance.] What does oil have to do with gas, anyway? You don’t put a can of oil in your gas tank.
Dude: You know what? You’re a dumbass.— Overheard in New York
Stay in Skool
December 21st, 2007 · No Comments · Quote
I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and I believe that our education like such as in South Africa and Iraq and everywhere like such as and I believe that they should our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S. or should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for us.
— Lauren Upton, Miss Teen South Carolina
Steve Ballmer is an Idiot
December 18th, 2007 · No Comments · Quote
There’s no chance that the iPhone is going to get any significant market share. No chance.
— Steve Ballmer, CEO Microsoft
Tags: fun
Creativity
December 3rd, 2007 · No Comments · Quote
Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that’s creativity.
— Charles Mingus
Tags: design
What is Web Design?
November 21st, 2007 · No Comments · Quote
Web design is the creation of digital environments that facilitate and encourage human activity; reflect or adapt to individual voices and content; and change gracefully over time while always retaining their identity.